Buddhism and Forgetfulness

[Dorien]

Hello Friends

I've been involved in Buddhism for many years and am at that stage in my life when my memory is beginning to fail me from time to time. I just wonder how this might affect my practice in the future if things get worse so I just wanted to ask all you good folk if you have any thoughts on this.

Many years ago I knew a Western Theravadin Buddhist nun here in the UK who developed senile dementia and I was very troubled by this, although on reflection there is no reason why Buddhist monastics should not face the same difficulties of growing older as the rest of us.

So my question is: how can the Dharma help us if or when our memories begins to fade ? I'm not looking for erudite answers here, I'm just interested in hearing from Buddhists who may have reflected on what it means to grow older.

Many thanks and hope to hear from you.

Dorien

[penny]

I agree with this. My work is with older people, most of whom are living with dementia/ Alzheimer's, as are their family carers where they have them. Families can struggle with the notion of keeping people within their own/habitual frame of reference, and can seem to find it difficult/ too challenging to 'let go' so that they can follow the person's present. Being in the present is central to Buddhism, experiencing what is, and it would be good if services and resources could be organic enough to respond and foster this response in and to people living with dementia. Thus personhood continues, by consistent, living, real response; thus all that remains is present experience.

[Chou Dog of Dis-illusioned Allegory]

Penny, what a fascinating and insightful comment! I have never before heard anyone comment on the importance of living in the present of the person who is ill, dying, whatever--but of course it makes complete sense! so I am left wondering how often this is the case. In most of the (few) cases I've known of personally, a great deal of effort has gone into keeping things 'the way they were', as if that were the most important thing--even though everyone involved knows that things aren't that way any more. Your last sentence in particular is a great teaching encapsulated in few words; thank you.

[Dorien]

Hi Penny
I know what you mean about being in the present as central to Buddhist practice but I'm just wondering if the 'present' of a person with dementia would be of a different quality to that of a Buddhist who still retains awareness of a future and a past ? Buddhist practitioners can always return to their ordinary everyday lives when the focus on the here and now loses its power but people with dementia can't - they are always in the moment whether they like it or not I imagine.
I was once a volunteer in a hospice here in the UK and we were looking after a lovely guy with bowel cancer but who also had advanced dementia. His day seemed to be a continually changing roller-coaster of feelings and thoughts but there was no return to a quiet place of reflection. So maybe it's more about how we respond to people who have dementia than the experiences they are having so I agree with you - services and resources for them should be flexible enough to respond to their experience.
Dorien

[Limp Budgie of Mellowness (Franca)]

This is such a core issue for many of us. My mother had Alzheimer disease and died in 2004 after 10 years of very tough times for the whole family. It caused me to deeply explore for myself hundreds of questions about mind, memory, the brain, dharma, illness, euthanasia, death, you name it... Some perspectives that may be useful (in addition to the excellent perspectives already posted):

Dharma is, in essence, non-conceptual. It is about all experience, not just about thoughts and memories, which are in themselves just experiences and by no means all of it. Put differently, dharma is not about reforming the content of experience, although the practice and study of dharma necessarily delves into that (e.g., adopting moral conduct, understanding and practising the paramitas, conceptualizing one's exploration of perception). Dharma is about recognizing the true nature of experience, which is the true nature of mind.

A great deal of dharma practice works with concept because we haven't yet found the "treasure beneath our very front door", and working with thought and memory are just a few of the strands of the rope we grasp at to try to pull ourselves out of suffering. Sometimes I wonder if the conceptual content of Buddhism is like a collection of toys in a waiting room: something to keep us doing the practice (i.e. setting up conditions for awareness) while, every so often, reality smacks us upside the head. We call that smack "insight"... and it doesn't rely on an intact memory.

What does that mean? If my hunch is right, it means the true insight is not lost as memory goes. By "true" insight I mean seeing how things are, not crafting brilliant expositions!

As the memory crumbles, true wisdom does not, but there may be precious little of that. This does not mean that we will all turn into sweet angels, smiling in beatific confusion... quite the contrary! All kinds of personality layers are revealed as the structure goes, and these layers can be damned awful. But the "knowing" — which in my mother's case took the form of faith in God — is there. She was frightened, she was irritable, she was difficult, but what helped her the most, internally, were the experiences of God she had through music, art, nature and, ultimately, religious practice (which she took up late in life). The most important results of her practice did not fail when her brain deteriorated.

The big message for me was practice, practice, practice. Dharma practice in whatever form (be it conventional Buddhist practice, Christian practice, opening to beauty, loving one's child, being kind to a stranger... etc.) is the only thing that can help us when our brains start to fail, and it's very important to start before then. For most of us, setting up the conditions for recognizing mind's nature takes years of disciplined practice, and that is more difficult as the brain deteriorates. So it's important not to put it off. And any practice that we do is helpful: if we don't start until we're 70, that's infinitely better than not starting at all.

One lovely aside: Khenpo Tsultrim Rinpoche teaches "Songs of Awakening", a large and growing collection of English-language songs, set to simple tunes, that anyone can learn. He encourages all students to learn them because he noticed that old people who had lost their memories could still remember and sing songs. So when his students are all old and batty, they can still sing songs like this:

"All these forms — appearance-emptiness,
Like a rainbow, with its shining glow
In the reaches of appearance-emptiness
Just let go and go where no mind goes."

[Dorien]

Hello Franca
Lovely to hear from you. I'm sorry to hear that you and your family had a difficult time during your mum's illness and hope that you are all moving on now.
As a rapidly ageing Brit, I don't really know what you mean when you say that the Dharma is "non-conceptual" and I have no idea what the "true nature of mind" is either. I guess I must still be in the waiting room playing with conceptual toys.
Khenpo Tsultrim Rinpoche's "Songs of Awakening" sounds wonderful but being an Englishmen brought up during the 1950s/1960s I'm probably more likely to sing along to The Beatles song "All You Need Is Love". But I do agree with his observation that elderly people who have lost their memories can still relate to music they remember in the past.
If you feel like telling me, what do you mean by "Dharma practice" ?

[Limp Budgie of Mellowness (Franca)]

We are all in the waiting room with the toys, and this ning is a perfect example! It's not a bad thing. Then one day we see there is nothing to wait for.

Yes, I was deliberately broad in my reference to dharma practice. I didn't want to restrict it to Buddhists and I didn't want to restrict it to "on the cushion" activities (or inactivities).

What I meant was any practice of cultivating awareness, of opening the heart, of letting go of smallmindedness. So it could include (but is not restricted to) meditation, contemplation, or prayer; creating art, music, or dance; gazing at the sky; offering money to a beggar; listening carefully to the conversation of an annoying relative with whom we disagree on every major point. Of course all these things (including meditation) can also be done in a way that puts us to sleep, closes the heart, and reinforces smallmindedness.

[Dorien]

Thank you for your clarity Franca.
Like you, I feel "practice" need not be restricted to formal meditation, on the cushion, stuff. Perhaps we are practising when we engage with any activity in life that is not focused on its future consequences. After all, the purpose of dancing is not to arrive at any particular place on floor or of music to arrive at the last note, is it ?
The process of growing older has enabled me to slow down and it has had great benefits for me. Not being able to rush for the bus or train and having to listen carefully to what people say to me (I am becoming increasingly deaf) gives me a bit of space and I am grateful for that.
Anyway, thanks for your good thoughts.

[Chou Dog of Dis-illusioned Allegory]

Is there somewhere in the WWW where these 'songs of awakening' can be found, including the music? Thanks.

[Limp Budgie of Mellowness (Franca)]

Not at the moment, which is a bit mystifying because Ponlop Rinpoche, who also uses them, is very wired. I am going to try to change that.

[Monika Bittman]

Hi Dorian,
what an interesting subject, I just joined this group and I look forward to seeing how this dialog unfolds. There was an interesting documentary that came out in the 90's called Complaints of a Dutiful Daughter, made about the filmmaker Deborah Hoffmann's mother who had Altzheimer's disease. At the time the film made quite a stir because the filmmaker "dared" to see the humorous side of her mother's forgetting.

It's been a long time since I saw this film but what stuck with me was that forgetting can present us with opportunities to interact with others in a new way. The filmmaker was gay and that whole side of her life was not accepted by her mother. But as her mother forgot about the troubled relationship with her daughter, she even forgot that Deborah Hoffmann was her daughter..., the two of them could again enjoy each other as they were in the present – free of preference and prejudice. She even could celebrate her daughter's relationship with her partner!

So as Phil says, dharma or no dharma, it seems that life is nudging us in the direction to live in the present as we get older, and in this severe case, the illness helped to shed the walls Deborah Hoffman's mother built around herself. In the end the filmmaker saw her mother as the "ultimate of living in the moment" – one can agree or disagree with that statement, but interestingly, her mother's forgetting helped Deborah to lighten up, to live more in the moment herself, to stop trying to connect her mother with the old frame of reference of their shared life, and enjoy the present and what time they had remaining. Fascinating isn't it? it can work both ways.

[Dorien]

Hi Monika

Welcome to the group and thank you for your interesting comments.

I would be very interested to see Deborah Hoffman's documetary - do you know if it's available on the internet ? Here in the UK a new book called "Contented Dementia" by British social psychologist Oliver James has just been published which explores a novel approach to caring for people in the early stages of dementia (if you are interested in following this up take a look at www.specal.co.uk).

Yes, I agree with Phil too. As we get older life does nudge us in the direction of living in the present - the future begins to shrink and the past is too stretched out to remember everything. And it is such a relief to only have to deal with whatever arises today. Well, it is for me, anyway!

Do you have any personal views about how dementia might affect Buddhist practice ? I would be interested to hear them if you do.

Dorien

[Monika Bittman]

Yes, Dorien, here you can see the trailer for Complaints of a Dutiful Daughter and I believe the DVD is for sale here as home video. Thanks for your reference to the book "Contented Dementia" by Oliver James, it looks really interesting.

As to my own views about how dementia might affect Buddhist practice, I have to be honest here, I am quite a novice, not like the other contributors who seem to have many years of experience with Buddhist practice. But in my short time practicing, I have had great results with tonglen, taking and sending meditation to find compassion with what I have perceived as my shortcomings and flaws. So I imagine that there would be opportunities for one to do taking and sending meditations to work with the confusion, frustration and judgments that as I hear accompany an onset of dementia. Work with them as they arise and through them find compassion for oneself and everyone else who goes through the same process.

But I am sure you know all this, sorry ...but you asked, that's where I am :-)
Thank you for wanting to hear my personal views. Monika